My oldest, dearest pen pal,

i feel as though i am a different person since i last spoke with you (in our own language of scrawled words, scribbled drawings, and random pictures from our lives). which leads me to believe that you must also be very different. i can still get lost in writing a letter and reading a good response from you. what free days we knew back when we were young, though we had little clue.

i am 'grown-up' now- or at least i have been trying to for the last several years. i think i was trying too hard-or maybe not trying hard enough. probably that one, actually. i have this yearning to be wild and free forever, which is probably why i finally picked up and came out to the west coast, as i have been wanting to do for years. i am breaking with the expectations put on me through my society, family, and culture. it sucks. but what an adventure. and i am growing up? maybe. perhaps out. actually, in, first, to find the me that is somewhere deep inside, swinging on vines, rattling her cage to be let out.

what contradictions and paradoxes i write! huh?!

i may sound a little confused, but i am learning truth, and i just want to let myself out so badly. i have kept all this creativity bottled up inside because of: fear, self-consciousness, self-criticism, fear, distrust, poor expectations, and laziness.

i must figure out a way to get out of myself- or the facade of myself that i present to the world.

i always felt you oozed creativity and vivacity, so i feel comfortable sharing this all with you. a step in the right direction perhaps.

i have started to consider how i want to raise children if i have my own or want to adopt. many of my friends are becoming moms and dads and i will surely follow suit soon. i see you have a little one you are very proud of. what is it like to be a mom and have something so precious and fragile in your care? do you have ideals of how you want to raise him? i'm sure you must- i want to know what they are. i find that terribly interesting.

i must admit, i am partially writing this letter out of a need for an outlet. i need to write, and i just noticed your address in this notebook. really, you are getting the best kind of letter - one written in loopy handwriting from a really great coffee shop. i'm even sitting on a pillow on a bench, behind a garage door. talk about ambiance.